My Journey to Jesus

Who is the Master?  My Master is Jesus Christ, GOD’s Son. He alone is the one I follow.

My story-

I am the fifth child of my mother and the fourth child of my father, having one half-sister, one sister and three brothers.   My mother was Catholic and as such we grew up under that religious training.  My father did not attend church with us. His background was Baptist and Methodist. I am not sure why he chose not to participate in our religious upbringing, but he left the job to my mother. I am sure it was an agreement made when they married as she was a firm Catholic believer.

Did I have a normal childhood?  If someone can define that then, I could, I guess tell, but I had a good childhood.  I could run, play, and ride my bike almost anywhere I wanted.  I walked to school with friends, played at their houses and in the park near our house.  My parents taught me to earn what I wanted and to take care of it when I got it.  I was expected to do my chores and do them correctly. The other choice was to do them again if I was lazy and didn’t do them right the first time. And to my mother, it did not matter what was planned or occurring, if a job wasn’t done or done right, you stayed and completed it correctly.

My parents taught me right from wrong, a true right and wrong, not this stuff going around today where right and wrong is relative and people can make up their own definitions based on how the feel or believe at the time.  Nope, I was taught GOD’s version of right and wrong.   It is wrong to lie, cheat and steal. It is wrong to kill humans of any size. It is wrong to be lazy and it is wrong to not help others in need.  They taught me to respect the rules and they taught me about good and bad consequences.  Ouch, I still remember some of those lessons!

They taught me that it was right to pitch in and help whenever and where ever it was needed.  They taught me how to work and why I should work. They taught me to do my work right the first time and to take pride in what I did, but not become proud.  They taught me that family was important and we helped each other out. They taught me that you don’t run from problems and that you get in there and get the job done.  And, they taught me that I have to take responsibility for my words and actions.  I was not to blame others or my situation/circumstances or make excuses for my mistakes and failures.  Through all of this training I was taught to be independent, able to take care of myself and earn what I needed.

My parents never taught me that I was a sinner and would go to hell and that I needed a Savior.  They never taught me that all that independence and self-care was to my detriment and directly opposed to GOD’s commands.  They never taught me that Jesus was the Savior and that I needed to choose to accept Him and what He had done for me.  They never taught me that I could have a personal relationship with GOD through His Son Jesus Christ and that I didn’t have to hope or guess or wonder if I was going to heaven. (by the way, I know I am going to Heaven, and so can you)

I loved my parents and know they did the best they knew how and as a parent myself, I understand more of the whys of what they did and didn’t do.  As a child, though, it made no sense to me.  I was a child that needed to understand the “whys” of things which caused a lot of friction with my “because I said so” parents.  I have to admit I was a living hell for them.  I didn’t do drugs or drink. I didn’t sleep around or sneak out at night. What I did though was scream and yell at them. I fought with them all the time about stupid things thus making life miserable.  I know, you are saying “so what, that’s nothing.”   I know, my parents didn’t throw me out of the house, force me to do horrid things or beat me. But anger is a nasty and wicked life that grows and becomes a cancer that controls every aspect of your life. Anger, like other sins, is a harsh task master and it always requires more to be satisfied. Anger begets bitterness, unforgiveness, short sightedness, pride and loneliness.

What I didn’t realize, and the LORD Master showed me later in my life, is that anger is really “selfishness not getting its way.”  Selfishness is believing you should have certain “rights” or be treated in a certain way or that you deserve certain things.  Selfishness is a “ME” first attitude of the heart, a self-life that wants its way, wants it now and if anything or anyone gets in the way, anger erupts. Sometimes anger kind of hiccups and spews ash all over. Sometimes it erupts with full force spewing it’s destructiveness for generations. Just look at why there is road rage, murder, theft, adultery and well, the list could go on and on.  It is all about having to gratify self more and more and more.

You know what, years later when GOD started getting a hold of me; I found out that the only thing I deserved was death.  GOD did not guarantee life, good or bad. He didn’t promise everything would be “fair” and “just.” He didn’t promise I would have good parents that loved me or everything I wanted.

He only promised one thing: that I was a sinful person and the price of my sin was death and an eternity in hell unless I chose to believe in His Son Jesus Christ. Jesus died on the cross to pay my sin debt to GOD. Jesus rose from the dead to life so I too could have life with Him in Heaven for eternity.  GOD puts it all into perspective for us; His perspective.

My selfishness was destroying me and those I loved. I was miserable, hollow and empty inside. Sure, I looked normal on the outside, but on the inside I was a ticking time bomb. I was just a bitter, unforgiving, unhappy person who could fake it and pretend to be nice and happy, especially in church.

At age twenty-five I married and by age twenty-seven had two children.  Really from the onset my marriage was in trouble.  I was unhappy and angry about something all the time. I screamed at my husband and we fought almost constantly and of course, the kids got their “fair” share of the screaming also.  I had to control everything and if I wasn’t, I was mad.  Again, anger is “selfishness not getting its way.”

In my thirty’s I decided to make something of myself and be a career woman, but I got pregnant for the third time.  This pregnancy didn’t fit into my career plans and I was very unhappy about it.  I am sad to say, I didn’t want the child, but I would never have had an abortion. I believed that to be wrong.  But, in my twisted thinking, I did do what I could to have a miscarriage. Miscarriages after all are “acceptable” and happened all the time for unexplained reasons, right?  I am ashamed to say GOD allowed that to succeed.  My life went on, empty, angry and now guilt filled.

A year or so later, I was pregnant again, but in a better frame of sanity and wanted this baby.  But the LORD took the baby early in the pregnancy because the baby was growing in one of my fallopian tubes.  After that, I had only a 10% chance of ever getting pregnant again. I can’t express how I felt in words and worse yet, I had no one I could turn to for guidance or comfort.

I thought it was just too shameful to tell someone else what I had done. The pain and shame I felt kept me in bondage.  At the time I didn’t know that there were true Christ-followers that cared and could help me through these desperate times. No one showed me or told me about GOD’s love, mercy and grace.  That GOD didn’t want to condemn me, but He wanted to forgive me through His Son Jesus Christ.

I do have to admit a couple of  “Ouch” lesson right here.  Number one:  Live your life so that others know you are a true Christ-follower.  Number two: GOD is telling me, us, to get up off it and be out there for people!  We need to be in the GOD zone not our comfort zone. Others need to know GOD loves them and He can make a difference in their lives. He is the only one who can.

Anyway…

The emptiness and anger grew inside me and I had no way to deal with it so I lashed out at the ones I loved.  I wasn’t depressed to the point of suicide, drugs or alcohol, but to the point of just feeling numb and hopeless, very hopeless and empty inside, but again, life went on.  I think that if GOD had not picked me up when He did, I may have turned to more desperate measures.

About 4 years after I lost the last baby, my husband and I joined Amway.  Through Amway I was introduced to Jesus Christ and started to learn about Him.  GOD worked in my life for about 3 years, teaching me, showing me my sin and loving on me. Through our leaders in Amway I could buy Christian tapes that were sermons from Christian Pastors, mostly Baptist from all over the US.  I would get as many of those tapes as I could afford and listen to them non-stop and then all over again. When I was done with them I passed them on to family members to listen to.  I just couldn’t get enough of the Word of GOD being taught!  I remember just crying and crying because the Truth was being spoken into my heart. Being confronted with my sinfulness – all I could do is cry. Jesus was opening my heart to receive Him, although I didn’t know it at the time.

At Amway conventions we would hear people give praise and glory to Jesus for what He had done in their life.  Changing them, allowing them to succeed, saving their marriages and so on and I listened and began to want that for myself also. On Sundays at the conventions, they had a “church” service that we started to attend. After each service I would ask Jesus into my heart, but nothing big or exciting happened – I guess I thought there would be an earth quake or something!  So, I just kept asking Him into my heart again each time thinking something would happen this time.  I really didn’t know I was a true Christ-follower for about two years.  In the meantime, GOD blessed me with another child, which was a miracle in itself. Remember I only had a 10% chance of ever getting pregnant again. GOD also created in me a desire to attend a church that believed and taught the Truth of GOD’s Word.

Eight months after our last child was born, October of 1995, GOD led our family to a church that taught His Word directly from His Bible.  I remember when my husband and I went to pick out our Bibles; I was so excited to own one.  Reading the Bible was new to me because I hadn’t done that in the Catholic church before.  I loved being able to open my Bible and just read what GOD was telling me.

The very first time we attended this new church, God showed me through His Word, that I had been His child since that first asking of Jesus into my heart. It was settled, I was His child. I just wanted to ball my eyes out right there in church. I should have, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself or family.  Sometimes though, we should cry right there in church.  I think people need to know that GOD is working in our heart, speaking to us, convicting us, restoring us and that He can do the same for them if they would just let Him.

Why are we so focused on appearances before men when we should be focused on our Mighty GOD?  We need to stop worrying about what anyone else thinks and start worshipping and praising our Awesome GOD!  Crying can be joy filled or sorrow filled and both are good before our Wonderful GOD.

As I look back on my life, I saw that GOD never did turn His back on me even though I turned mine on Him.  He never gave me up for hopeless even though I thought I was and felt that hopelessness deep inside of me.  He just ordered my life’s circumstances until He finally brought me to the place and point in my life I would listen to Him. He opened my eyes and heart to His Spirit and Truth. I accepted His  gift of His Son, Jesus in to my life.

My journey to become a child of GOD took thirty-eight long and painful years. He never gave up on me and won’t give up on you.  No matter what you have done or haven’t done, GOD will not give up on you!  GOD doesn’t have degrees of sin.  The sin of lying is just as great a sin as is murder.  The sin of rape is no greater than that of stealing.

Now, people want to make some sins more heinous than others because this makes it look like we can be better than we really are. Our false belief that we are good inside is a lie from satan which has been used to keep us from GOD’s Truth: sin is sin to GOD and humans are all sinners except for Jesus Christ. He was sinless and perfect.

GOD cannot look upon sin and sin must be paid for by death, the shedding of blood.  “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23)  So you see, GOD treats us all the same, we are all sinners destine for death and eternity in hell.  Wait, the good news is Jesus Christ did what we could not; He paid our debt before GOD by His death on the cross.  But Jesus didn’t stay in the grave. He rose to life again after three days.  He is alive now and sitting at His Father’s right hand.  Because He rose from the grave into life, we also can have His life if we choose Him for ourselves.  We can have a personal relationship with GOD if we choose His Son Jesus Christ.  For He tells us in John 14:6 “ Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

GOD wants you to have a relationship with Him and He wants you to know the peace, love and life that only He can give you even if you think you’re at the bottom of the bottom.  You know what; GOD’s arm is long enough to reach down to wherever you think you are, so reach out to Him!  Cry out for Him to help you because He is there and He will help you. He loves you!

After I became GOD’s child, I began to notice He started to work on my mouth.  I tended to use mild cuss words and although never the hard core stuff, it was still not the way I should be expressing myself and GOD knew that.  So, He worked on me until one day I noticed that I didn’t just cuss any more.  Not overnight, but through a process of weeks and months.

Next came the anger issues.  This took longer but He worked in me and has never given up.  I was on my knees a lot before GOD as He showed me my sin. (still am)  He allowed me to acknowledge my sin, give it to Him, ask for forgiveness and believe it was done.  As I came to Him He was faithful and loving. He never condemned me even when I slipped up. He knew I wasn’t perfect and would slip up and He was always there when I came back and confessed my sin to Him. His love never left me.

GOD always has my best interest at heart. There is never any selfish motive with GOD. He always is pure and true in His love for us.  He after all knows us better that we know our self for He created us and knew us even before we were born.  How awesome to have a GOD who is never self serving, but fair, just, and loves us unconditionally.

GOD is working on my other issues, like my need to control everything, unforgiveness,  dependence on my emotions, lack of trust and all my other selfish motives. Big issues, Bigger GOD!  Oh, I will still have issues until GOD takes me home, but now I don’t have to keep them!!  I can surrender them to GOD and be willing to allow Him to work the changes in me that are needed to get rid of those issues. Yes, the process was and still is sometimes very painful. Selfishness is a deep rooted cancer that is often painful to remove because we just don’t want to give it up. We know it’s killing us but the addiction to self-pleasure is so strong.  GOD knows we can’t do it on our own. He knows we need Him to remove it for us and He is always happy to do so.  For me, with each struggle came more trust and dependence on GOD.  Each lesson He taught me allowed me to see my sin and realize I needed to turn from that sin and back to Him.

For a long time I have been trying to live a Christian life in my own strength. A self-made path where the choices were mine or so I thought.  The only problem is that my decisions were out of fear and mistrust.  Fear of what I would lose if I gave everything to the LORD Master.  Fear is mistrust.  I didn’t think GOD was big enough to handle my problems, so I didn’t trust Him with all of them.  Oops, here I am back to the controlling issues again.  I wanted to control what I did and didn’t give to GOD. I wanted to choose to save some areas of my life for myself, not trusting GOD to handle them correctly.  I was afraid.  Yes, even as a Christian, I was afraid to give GOD every part of my life and spent many years wondering if this was all there was to a Christian life.  Where was the abundant life GOD spoke about in His Word?

Well, (smacking hand on forehead) abundant life comes with obedience to GOD’s commands.  My fear/mistrust was really disobedience before GOD.  Jesus told us that we would have to deny ourselves to follow Him.  We are to love GOD with our whole heart.  Matthew 22:37 tells us “And He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.”  Loving GOD with all your heart, soul and mind requires yielding up your self-life to GOD in absolute surrender to His will and wishes.  You can’t keep parts of self and be obedient to GOD’s commands.  I know, I have tried and He just won’t let me do it!

The Narrow Door did not come easy for me.  Sixteen years, GOD had to kneed me, teach me, and empty me of my self-life. (Now you can see how stubborn I am.)  To see the Narrow Door I had to be willingly willing to give Him everything. Only then could I see the Narrow Door.  He then continued to teach me, empty me and guide me to the Narrow Door through some very tough and painful trials in my life.  Choosing to step through the Narrow Door was my decision. We all have the same opportunity.  GOD doesn’t lure us to the Narrow Door and then shove us through kicking and screaming and then expect us to obey Him willingly. We are not His prisoners. We must want to surrender everything to our LORD Master.  We must be willingly willing and we must trust Him.

Now, have I arrived because I chose to step through the Narrow Door?  No way!  Just when I think there is no more self-life in me, there I go off doing what I want to do and into GOD’s schoolroom I go.  Before, when I was brought into the schoolroom, I fought every minute of being there. This only proved to be a lesson that was time consuming and hard learned. I finally realized I needed to trust GOD and accept His lessons and to know that I would be better for having gone through the lesson. I was learning to trust Him more and to know that He will always be there no matter what will happen in my life. I do trust Him.  He has proven to me more times than I can count that He is faithful.  He does not lie. He does not change His mind in the middle and then just let me drop.  He is faithful to His promises and I can bank on it.  Will my life be easy?  Nope, life is never just “easy.” But I do know this, GOD will allow things into my life for my good and He will be right there to handle what He gives me if I let Him.

What now?  Well, my LORD Master has more to teach me and I still do have more to surrender to Him. So, join me on my journey now as my LORD Master teaches me to follow Him in complete and utter dependence and with absolute surrender.

For those that do not know my LORD Master, I pray that you will seek Him out.  Read the information under the tab “Why Jesus.”

My LORD Master wants you to come to Him. In Him is life, hope, peace, rest, comfort, and love no matter what your circumstances are or who you believe yourself to be.  GOD loves you and wants to have a relationship with you so He can pour out His love on you unconditionally.  But, you must come to Him on His terms.  We can’t make up our own plans and bring them to GOD for His stamp of approval.  It just doesn’t work that way.   God has told us plainly what it takes to come to Him and how we are to do it.  GOD does not change His plans depending on the person He is dealing with.  Rich don’t get special seating and the poor don’t get lesser requirements to get in.  GOD is the same today as He was yesterday and will be tomorrow.  There are no blue light specials when it comes to getting into heaven and spending eternity with GOD.

If you are a Christ-follower, my prayer is that your eyes and heart will be opened to the commands of our LORD Master to deny self and take up your cross.  Know that it is impossible to do this on your own and can only be accomplished once you become willingly willing to give yourself over to the Master’s hands and allow Him to work in and through you.  Take all to Him.  Philippians 2:13 tells us “for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

So let Him work all He wants to in you.

With Love through Jesus Christ, my LORD Master,

J