Fear, Faith and a Sack Full

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Why are we so comfortable carrying our burdens around on our backs like they have been part of us since birth?  Many times I hear “that’s just the way I am” or “I have always been this way.”  Sisters and brothers, no we have not always been this way!

We were not born with burdens on our back.  The burdens we are carrying have been piled on from life, but, we carry them by choice.  We choose to keep them instead of surrendering them to Jesus, our LORD Master and allowing Him to work in us and heal us.  I am sure some of you disagree with me.  Your burdens are from pain, abuse, neglect, forced and inflicted by another person or people, even “Christians.”  But, my friend, you keep them by choice nonetheless.

What is the meaning of burden?   Burden means:  that which is carried; load; that which is borne with difficulty; obligation

Another word for burden is yoke.  Yoke means:  a frame fitting the neck and shoulders of a person, for carrying a pair of buckets or the like, one at each end.

We carry our burdens on a yoke around our neck and over our shoulders.  We keep piling them on and they begin to encumber us, hindering our progress and weighing our life down with fear.

Fear keeps those nasty burdens on our backs and keeps us in bondage to feelings, emotions, pain, frustration, depression, memories, hopelessness and helplessness.  Fear blinds our sensitivities and our reasoning.  Fear keeps us trapped in a world of secrets, darkness, doubt and despair.  Our worry is that if someone knew who we really were they would reject us.  How could even GOD love me, when I carry such burdens on my back?  Fear keeps our minds full of doubts and in turmoil.  There is no peace in fear.

Jesus’ words above command us to go to Him and release our heavy yokes – giving them to HIM. We are to take on His yoke which is easy and light.  We can’t do this if we are afraid, doubting or not willing to surrender to all to our LORD Master.

A little over three years ago, I went through some tough times personally with the burden of unforgiveness.  A few weeks before my crisis hit, our Pastor had spoken on the need to forgive.  I felt the LORD Master’s voice deep in my heart. He was speaking to me that day. Really, I hope everyone felt that way because we all needed to hear His words about forgiving others.  Even so, it is such a stronghold not easily given up.  Anyway, the words I heard kept coming back to me in my time with the LORD Master and I began to pray.  Over the next few weeks, my heart became increasingly angry about forgiving this one person in my life.  I can’t even describe the pain and hurt that came from this person over the years.  I was drowning in my bitterness toward this person and it quenched my soul.  It was as if I hated this person and I couldn’t believe it. The anger, hurt, humiliation, betrayal, and so many more feelings were churning inside of me.  I didn’t feel I needed to forgive, but that this person should be humble and come to me asking for forgiveness.  But, that is the problem, there is so much pride in that other person, they could not even see or acknowledge what they had done and continue to do.  There was no way they were going to own up for their part in all the hurt and pain and humble themselves enough to be remorseful, much less say they were sorry.  But I wanted them too. I wanted them to realize just how much pain and hurt they had caused. I wanted them to feel bad because they had caused all this bitterness inside me.  Then I could forgive them, I thought.  But, you know, GOD’s plan is not our plan and He just doesn’t let us get away with an inch.

I wrestled with GOD for over a week about forgiving this person.  I didn’t want to. I wanted this person to change first. I wanted them to be humbled by GOD and realize what a pride filled individual they were.  I didn’t want to forgive them and I was tired of GOD working on me and never working on that other person!  Rebellion or obedience, it was my choice.

I did everything, cried, pleaded, got angry, you name it my little tantrums before GOD were of no use, He wasn’t budging on what He wanted me to do: forgive this person no matter what. Even if they never come to me and say “I am sorry” or whatever, GOD wanted me to totally forgive this person anyway.  So, there I sat with the ugly burden of unforgiveness on my back. I had carried it for so many years that it felt normal, alive and entrenched.  I didn’t know how to get rid of it.  It seemed part of my personality and I was afraid of who I would be if I let go of this stronghold.

The unforgiveness I felt had been a safety mechanism ready to leap in and save the day if things got too painful or hurtful.  All I had to do is call upon my unforgiving spirit and soon I was just as hateful back, not letting them get their cheap shots in on me.  Oh, sometimes the silence between us was deafening as I retreated from the pain.  I had lived with this for decades and now GOD was calling me to forgive.  I just couldn’t do it, not on my own anyways.

Anger, bitterness, pride, unforgiveness are ugly, messy and vile burdens to carry around. Our attitudes, thoughts, perceptions, life are all control by these vicious monsters we let rule over us.  GOD doesn’t want us to carry them around and commands us not to.   If GOD has commanded me not to carry these burdens around with me, why in the heck was I being so rebellious?

Trust and pride.  I didn’t trust GOD enough to give Him these burdens and I thought I could handle stuff on my own.  Our LORD Master takes us where we are at and He knows when we are ready to handle the things He asks of us.  I guess He knew it was time for me to learn to surrender my unforgiveness and move on without it.  He wanted me to surrender my unforgiveness to Him and acknowledge that I couldn’t handle it on my own.  I had to trust in Him and I had to surrender my pride.   Sounds easy when I write it here, but I remember, it was not at all easy when I was agonizing through it a little over three years ago.

Our LORD Master is so gentle.  He just takes you one step at a time if you allow Him to.  At the end of my week long pity party, I gave up.  I surrendered my inability to forgive, want to forgive, and remotely even want to change enough to forgive, to Jesus.  I just gave Him all I could and asked Him to do the rest.   If He wanted me to forgive, He was going to have to do it in me and through me, because I knew I just didn’t have the power to forgive on my own, not the way He wanted me to.

Nothing happened to change anything for a couple of weeks.  Jesus often speaks to me while I am alone in the car driving.  One day I was driving home from my daughter’s house and praying to Jesus.  I was again, asking Him to help me be obedient to His will to forgive.  That if He wanted me to forgive it would be Him working through me to accomplish His will for me. I wasn’t being disrespectful or prideful. In fact I had begun to praise and thank Him for what He was going to do in my life.  What happened next was just a miracle. In a twinkling of an eye, in a split second, I went from not being able to forgive and having all that pent up unforgiveness in my heart to totally free.

The LORD Master had removed the ugly burden off my back and I was totally free from it.  Joy, so strong welled up in my heart that between the crying I laughed so hard I almost couldn’t breathe.  My spirit was light.  The pain, hurt and memories seemed distant. All of it lost its sting and didn’t matter anymore.  I truly felt free. It is hard to describe, but that burden was gone and I was free of the stronghold it had had on me for decades. I was free and the LORD Master gets all the Glory.

Now, looking back, I can’t understand why I wanted to keep all that miserable junk in my life.  Why couldn’t I just let go and get rid of all those strongholds long ago?  Knowing what I know now, I never want to go back to confinement again!   I try to encourage others to surrender to our LORD Master and forgive those in their life that they are harboring unforgiveness for.  I try to tell them of the joy in the freedom Jesus has given me.   But, just like me over three years ago, I didn’t want to forgive either.   If it wasn’t for our LORD Master’s persistence, I am sure I would still be bent over with the ugly burden of unforgiveness.

All the Glory goes to Him alone.  Thank you LORD Master for all You are doing in me even when I resist, cry and throw one heck of a pity party.  You have never given up on me and I know You never will.  Thank you LORD Master!

Amen